


who am i (without him)

by orphan_account



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Day At The Beach, Dialogue Heavy, Feels, Friendship, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sora's Heart (Kingdom Hearts), Trans Male Character, Trans Sora (Kingdom Hearts), discussion of the heart hotel, soriku friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 11:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21355606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Maybe this should still be taking a backseat to everything else, but they have a day to spend together at the beach and they've never been good at lounging here carelessly. Not when they're together. The sky is too wide, the ocean is too endless, and that combined vastness tugs at them like a void made of blue, pulling every thought they have to the surface, making them talk. Especially when that talking is gnawing anxieties and worrying what-ifs.
Relationships: Riku & Sora (Kingdom Hearts), Riku/Sora (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 61





	who am i (without him)

"Riku, what if I was never s'posed to be a boy?"

Riku shifts his head in the sand, probably to look at Sora, but Sora keeps staring up at the sky even as he hears the movement. He doesn't want eye contact right now.

"What makes you say that?" Worry. Surprise.

Sora's used to surprise--his thoughts shift around too fast for anyone to be able to predict, even his best friend. Worry he's growing used to, as well, from Riku especially. There's been a lot to worry about in their short lives.

And maybe this should still be taking a backseat to everything else, but they have a day to spend together at the beach and they've never been good at lounging here carelessly. Not when they're together.

The sky is too wide, the ocean is too endless, and that combined vastness tugs at them like a void made of _ blue, _pulling every thought they have to the surface, making them talk. Even long before sunset. Even just after lunch, with the warm sand pleasantly cradling their tired limbs between rounds of swimming.

Lips pursing, Sora pieces his recent thoughts together out loud. "What if everything I've become--what if it's because of my heart not being all the way mine? What if--"

"Sora--"

"Riku--"

"You're not--"

"No, listen, Roxas is--"

"You can't--"

Sora makes a frustrated sound as he sits up and turns to glare at Riku, who stops trying to interrupt. Sand flies off his oversized t-shirt and spiky hair in an undignified manner but at least the eye contact is fierce instead of vulnerable. Pointed.

A momentary hush falls, cut through by the familiar sound of the waves. Their once-home. Their sometimes-home. It's still soothing.

He sighs and relents a bit, shoulders slumping. "I know. I know Ienzo's still researching and we don't know enough about any of this yet, but I still need to--I'm ready to at least _ try _ to _ ... _I just--just...hear me out, please, Riku."

"I'm sorry." Riku pulls himself upright, too, more gracefully of course, running a hand through his silver locks to get the sand out and brushing his shirt off with careful hands. But he's trying to look attentive now. "You're right; I'm listening." And at least he sounds chagrined, though his teal eyes still hold skepticism behind the concern.

"Roxas is a guy." Sora pauses, walking through this in steps, extracting agreement from Riku.

Riku catches on and nods. Good.

"Everyone assumed it was because he's my Nobody, and he used to be a part of me, and I'm a guy."

"Yeah, that used to be the theory." Riku's voice is cautious, like he expects Sora to trick him into agreeing to something silly. Sora's usually not above that, to be fair, but today he's serious.

"But it's more likely he..." he struggles for the words. He'd soaked them up when Ienzo was talking to him last and he'd always been fascinated with science stuff, but his brain isn't always great at coughing things back up when he needs them most. _ "...manifested gender spontaneously," _ he says, a bit proud of himself. "Naminé is nonbinary, after all, and that doesn't come from Kairi."

Riku nods again.

"And Xion, of course, is a girl through and through even though she was supposed to be a replica of Roxas." He flicks his gaze away to the horizon, at that. He'd struggled with this whole question once, already, alone, because of that. "For awhile I thought...maybe a Nobody of mine without Ven's influence being a girl is what meant...but gender's just from the heart. That makes sense to me."

A half-shrug, then, and a quick glance to and from to make sure Riku's still paying attention. He is, and he looks sympathetic at the admission. Sora sifts sand between his fingers, watching the grains filter back down. "So back to Roxas. He gets--he gets to have all the right body parts."  
  
Riku makes a sound in his throat, the beginning of an objection to Sora's word choice--he's always been the first to assure Sora that people were idiots for moralising and categorising body parts into binaries to begin with. But that's not what Sora's getting at today. He snorts and waves Riku off without looking up.

"Yeah, I know people are stupid," Sora says. "But to _ me, _ those are the right body parts. And Roxas gets to have them. He did even before the replica body. So, I have to wonder, is that because his heart got to choose his shape even though he used energy from my body? Or is it because of Ven? He looks like Ven, after all."

Riku hums slightly. "Even if that's true, it just means his gender happened to match Ven's body. It doesn't say anything about y--"

"No, I'm not done yet," Sora interrupts before Riku can get going. "That's not the point, either. I'm just--that's proof that Ven can interfere with all this. Right?"

"Sure." Riku shifts again, as if sensing where this is going.

Maybe he does. He's always known Sora so well. Sora sighs, anyway. Best friend or no, this is gonna be the tricky bit to get out. But he's tired of not talking about it, so...

"My heart touched Ven's--an older, stronger heart--when it was first brand-new. Ven's told me, even though I don't remember. Before I even woke up, grew up, and thought I knew who I was."

"Sora..." The falling note of Riku's voice tells him that his friend gets it right away but Sora keeps going.

"And maybe before it could ever wear off, before I could grow out of it, he was back again. He was actually inside my heart, that time. And every day since." His voice gets louder and faster as the words tumble out in a rush.. "So, what if I'm not really--what if my heart _ was _ supposed to be a girl's? What if I was supposed to be one of the lucky ones who matches up with my body? What if I started out being a girl but Ven changed me, made me think I wasn't? What if I'm a faker and don't even know it? What if--"

"Wait." Riku's voice is soft, but insistent, and he gives Sora a moment to catch his breath, staving off a bit of an anxiety spiral. "What ifs aside, no matter what the answer is," he says after a minute, "you're not a _ faker, _Sora; that's--that's not how this works."

He reaches out and brushes his fingers against Sora's wrist, then. When he gets a nod in response, Riku takes the hand in his and squeezes it. Sora squeezes back. It's warm, and comforting, and _ nice. _

He thinks about all of this as little as possible, these days, but Riku's been there from the beginning. And Riku never seems to stop thinking about things. It's a handy combination. "Remind me?"

"You're trans because you experience a gender that doesn't fit society's expectation of your body that they placed on you when you were born. That's all that word means." It's Sora's turn to nod. Riku continues. "So whatever you experience _ is _ real. No matter the science behind hearts. Your heart is still your heart, right now, how it is."

His friend sounds so confident and Sora wants to believe the familiar sentiment, he really does. The moment hangs heavy between them as his brain inevitably finds the catch. The crux of the matter. The thing he's really anxious about that he hadn't even quite realised until just now.

He bites his lip. "I believe you. And I'm not trying to be difficult, I swear."

"But...?"

"But it hasn't been _ just _my heart. Not ever. Not once. Not until right now. What if...what if my heart changes back, now that he's not in here?"

This time the silence isn't because of Sora. It stretches on for a little too long, almost impossibly loud in its forcefulness. He finally looks up to find Riku waiting for just that--teal eyes glittering with insistence, reflecting the harsh midday sun right into Sora's darkness and doubt.

"I don't believe that, Sora. I don't believe your heart was ever anything but wholly and completely your own. Your heart is too big and too bright. That's why you were able to reach Ven, out of anyone else. Twice. That's why you've been able to share it with so many people, both physically and metaphorically, your entire life."

Riku tugs on Sora's hand, another question. Sora nods another answer, hazily, a little stunned. He's always taken it for granted, he thinks, as Riku pulls him in tight for a hug, that his heart hasn't been _ his. _ Not like that. Riku really sees all that in him? Dorky, graceful, cocky, _ observant _ Riku? Huh.

Sora leans into the familiar embrace. "Huh" is all he manages out loud, too, muffled against the striped towel still draped around Riku's shoulder.

"But if anything ever changes," Riku says, softer. Oh, there's more. "Then we take that as it comes." Riku holds him tight as if he can press belief into Sora just with his arms alone. "Just like we always do. Just like everything else. Whatever comes, however you feel, you're all still you. And that's always going to be okay. No one's friends with you just because you're a guy, and no one's friends with you just because you're trans. We're your friends because you're _ you. _And that's not going to change."

_ Oh. _The tears start, then, because of course they do. Sora's never figured out how to keep them from spilling over whenever they please. Maybe that's part of having a heart like the one Riku described. If so, he probably doesn't mind. The tears soak into Riku's shirt, but he supposes it's a day at the beach; saltwater is just par for the course.

Of all the people Sora's tried to become or act like, and for all the people Sora's taken in and sheltered, Riku still believes he's just _ himself. _ That seems like something Riku would know, if anyone would.

Gripping him back tight, Sora finally feels some kind of weight lift off his shoulders, off his chest. His voice is a little nasally but sincere when he says, "Thanks."


End file.
